she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
