I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
