The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
