He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize