First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
