Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I am one with the molecules
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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