I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I need to stop coming to work sober
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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