why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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