Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
OPIZZABONMYDICK
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
