Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
