Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
A bitchslap is in order.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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