Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
