I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
