Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
