I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
