So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
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that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it