I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care