Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night