I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back