if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Less talking, more tequila
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice