the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?