someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
