onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
