I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
