We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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