someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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