There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
