Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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