just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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