I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
