You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
