she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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