I'm lost and stupid without you.
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
