no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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