people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
