i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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