Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
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There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
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you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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