I can't breathe out the right side of my face
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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