She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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