Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
