I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
