Screwed.edu
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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