THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
