Lets date for the summer
Dont love me in September.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...