Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
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Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers