I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
