i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
