i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
