I hate your face
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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