cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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