Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
