i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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