Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i was born a porn star she said
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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