If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
