plz talk dirty to me
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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