I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
