The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
