Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
