I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
