I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
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Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
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I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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