got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
