Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
