Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
