Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
