Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
